Men Going Their Own Way-A Positive Approach.

I imagine this post will upset some people and opinions on it may be polarized, but it’s just a mental sketch that I’ve been rolling around in my head.  A totally unlikely, but not impossible “what if”? My take on how the ludicrous  MRA inspired MGTOW movement could be re fashioned as something that could be more beneficial to women as a class and individually. I also think the individual benefit could extend to both sexes.

What if male allies truly decided to go their own way in regards to their romantic and sexual lives? If supposedly pro-feminist men get the picture of how harmful heterosexuality has been to female people, how problematic PIV is, the rates of DV from males toward females, then shouldn’t it be a logical next step to say “I’m not participating in this.” ?  I’m simply asking, or observing and trying to understand the heterosexual, or female partnered male ally and how that can be reconciled with what we know?

We know that homosexuality isn’t something that is determined genetically, there isn’t a gay gene and while very appealing due to the feeling of lacking a choice in the matter, perhaps especially for male people the “Born this way” adage just doesn’t add up. It’s a weak and flimsy argument and a response to being beat down to the point of surrender. We throw our hands up and say that we have no autonomy in how we feel. A part of me understand this. I’m not politically gay, I don’t feel I ever made a conscious choice to be attracted to men and not attracted to women, it’s just how things played out. However one thing I won’t do is discount those who have said they have made the choice to be gay or lesbian. In a way Christians and other detractors are right about the choice to actually *BE* gay.  Indeed I did choose to pursue my life the way I saw fit, in the way I wanted and in the way that felt right. I choose to follow my heart, and that was my choice in the matter. As far as the base sexual attraction goes though I don’t think I gave that thought either way. It wasn’t a choice, it was just there. But who am I , as a pro-homosexual to shun those who now exclusively date the same sex for whatever reason? No one. So I don’t do it.

Heterosexual people have told me that I take a militant stand on heterosexuality  and they find that hypocritical considering what homosexual people have faced.  I understand people have individual feelings on the matter, so my suggestion is always to not personalize it. Heterosexual people haven’t been terrorized by homosexuals, it’s been the other way around. The world around us is the result of heterosexuality, which in my opinion is rooted in male dominance. I believe that on some level all heterosexually paired men are participating in male dominance at a deeper level, and until that is broken will continue to do so. Heterosexuality must be critically deconstructed for a better world, and why leave this all up to women? Why, with what we know about over population, pollution, in-sustainability, female oppression, harms of PIV to class female Etc. do so many of us overlook a key component? That men could sexually withdraw and/or abstain  from women- and shouldn’t those of us who consider ourselves allies to women consider doing so?  Am I telling you to go gay or be celibate or otherwise I hate you? Not really. Am I saying that you may be on your way to being a better person if you do? Maybe a little bit. Just food for thought. Want to talk about this? Leave me some comments, I’m interested in having this conversation!

7 thoughts on “Men Going Their Own Way-A Positive Approach.

  1. While I am no one to thwart your fantasy I have to say that making individual choice a political strategy has proven futile in the past: what if each individual man abstained from sex with women? I don’t know, but I know statistically it’s not going to happen. Also, even if men stopped having sex with women altogether, it wouldn’t change the fact that humans are gregarious animals and we would still interact with each other. Men’s goal of using women as incubators wouldn’t change (Hello gay men who buy surrogates), nor that of using us as decorative objects (Hello gay men who control the fashion industry). Men would still control governments and banks. Patriarchy goes so much deeper than who you choose to have sex with, and what allies should do in my opinion is not focusing so much on their individual choices (as should we, the feminists), and understand that patriarchy is a political institution and can only end when women and men have had the same amount of political power for probably centuries, so that the economy and culture now shaped by patriarchy can change to non patriarchal ones. Homosexuality as a practice has been used as a tool of patriarchal bonding in ancient Greece so I don’t see how it is automatically patriarchy-free. Men who are attracted to women would definitely do well to work on themselves and not base their sexuality on the eroticization of oppression, or use women as objects like johns, pimps and pornographers do. That said, sexual acts between the sexes can (and many times are) based on mutual respect and bonding.

    • It’s not a fantasy, it’s more of a question to other male allies. I believe that the personal is the political and while it runs deeper than individual choices, collectively they add up to the big picture. I’m sure that those who would politically abstain from heterosexuality would understand the harms and disgusting nature of surrogacy and the degradation of females fashion. All that said, as stated, it’s all a big what if, but I understand your points. I don’t think male homosexuality overthrows patriarchy or men’s rule on it’s own,But I think it can help.

      • I want to add to my previous comment that I believe heterosexuality IS in fact a part of patriarchy and that no one should ever feel pressured to have sexual relations with someone they are not attracted to, including obviously lesbians and gay men. The personal is political in the sense that what happens in your private life is linked to bigger patterns, true. However changing your personal life to a less destructive one, while righteous, does nothing to eliminate the cultural and economical pressures people feel to behave in a patriarchal way since they are born. Only eliminating the political power men have over women do that. As an analogy, I am vegan because I do not want to hurt non human animals, but my veganism in itself does nothing to change the fact that torturing and killing animals is still legal.

  2. A few things.

    First, part of MGTOW is walking away from an identity (or rejecting the need for an identity) that is either granted by females, or dependent on the role that it serves for females.

    Second, as a non-celibate “man gone his own way”…well, that speaks for itself, doesn’t it?

    With those two points in mind, I think male Feminist allies would be better served creating a new term for themselves. Going celibate *for the benefit of women* is antithetical to MGTOW.

  3. Men are far more dependent on women than vice versa, so MGTOW works against their own class position. To frame it as freeing themselves from female control is disingenuous: we are clearly not in control, and women in positions of power are generally there because of their willingness to support patriarchal values.

    Regarding optional sexual orientation, this doesn’t work for everybody, though we don’t know what a world without homophobia and misogyny would look like. As it stands, quite a few homosexual people have zero interest sexually in the opposite sex and this seems to go deeper than mere preference or decision. It’s less clear what’s going on with straight people since the culture enforces heterosexuality. However, I know quite a few women who would support MGTOW as much as possible, if it wasn’t framed as a reactive hate group against women.

  4. I dislike the idea, I think for the same reason why I dislike straight people not wanting to have children, not because they’re worried about overpopulation or because they just don’t want children, but because the world is already screwed up enough as it is.

    I think part of making the world better would be raising children to be good, generous, loving human beings. Certainly the greedy, racist misogynists aren’t going to refrain from having children. If anything, they seem determined to have more than their fair share. Thoughtful people who would likely raise thoughtful children aren’t necessarily doing the world a favor by abstaining.

    And it’s the same deal with relatively forward-thinking men. If they abstain from heterosexual relationships, all that does is remove themselves from a dating pool already heavily weighted with misogynists who will never treat women with basic respect. Unless an equivalent number of women also give up on heterosexual relationships, this really only harms women.

    I’m also not trying to posit feminist ally men as God’s gift, but I remember very well what it’s like to navigate dating when so many men don’t even try to hide their contempt for women.

  5. This sort of thinking actually played a role in who I’ve decided to date throughout my life and why I decided to transition (I’m a gender-critical trans woman who has only ever been sexual with other trans women and biologically male, male-identified people of various sorts). As James Joyce wrote, “History is a nightmare from which I am trying to awake”, and the history of heterosexuality is a true nightmare. I didn’t want to have any part in it.

    The current situation for me is that since I have modified my body, my appearance, and my social identity any man who partners with me is partnering with someone who *chose* to walk this path, this gender whatever, rather than someone who was *forced* down it due merely to circumstances of birth (said forcing constitutes an ongoing crime against humanity). I therefore have the opportunity to offer some sort of redemption, some sort of redirection or turning aside of socially programmed heterosexual impulses, to nominally heterosexual men who so wish and who can find it within themselves to be attracted to me.

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