When gay men are a problem

I want anyone reading this right now to be honest with themselves  with just how much misogyny gay culture and many gay men perpetuate. While I did take offense to recent articles written by heterosexual M2T’s people that where critical of drag, it had more to do with who was calling it out and their misplaced reasoning behind doing so rather than a lack of need. Gay culture, and more micro cosmically individual gay men need to start being confronted on a few things.

Drag, as performance, if critically analysed, is an obvious offensive slight against women more than it is men exploring “femininity” or expressing repressed empowerment, as it is nothing more than camp performance. It’s not an authentic expression, and thus insincere. Having never been a fan of drag shows, but still sometimes catching one by chance I was never impressed by what I was seeing, and to this day fail to see the point. While gay men, women cheer them on and throw money at them in a way that emulates what happens to strippers at strip bars. It truly leaves me puzzled.  Of course, drag is hardly the most relevant or pervasive issues in relation to gay cultures or gay men’s misogyny, it is one of the more often addressed ones.

An issue with gay men that really gets to me, even most all gay men I know and love as friends, is language. I can’t stand how prevalent misogynist and even macho lingo actually is among us. I’m by no means perfect, words have slipped out, it’s something I’m sure we have all been guilty of at times, but the more conscious we become the more we must acknowledge how harmful these words are and work on exercising them from our vocabulary. For the most part  politcally “progressive” gay men understand why certain words are wrong. There is no need for an explanation why racial slurs are offensive, or homophobic slurs obviously. While causing an uproar over the word “faggot”  gay men will viciously and hypocritically  respond with  “cunt” or “bitch”. These words are offensive- and if we truly see women as human(which is the failure here I believe when progressive’s elevate all other oppressed classes over women in terms of respect.), we will understand, that like all oppressed groups of people, there are certain words that have a painful history behind them and these words are in no way appropriate for us to use, much less use so liberally.

Another thing that I find perplexing is gay men’s interest (perhaps stereotypical, but totally prevalent.) in upholding and even creating much of what is the patriarchal mold of what women are suppose to look like. Why are so many gay men invested in women’s fashion? What kind of entitlement does that speak to that we so often take it upon ourselves to dictate how women should look or that they would “look better doing…” ?  Because it is certainly entitlement. Gay men should be seen as the predominate group of men that are responsible for the size zero looks and the reinforcement of cosmetics. While straight men may “appreciate” it and through their attitudes enforce it, I think we can safely say for the most part it isn’t their direct doing. I spent a few thousand on Esthetician school, only to, at the end, decide not to peruse a career in that, some of those reasons factored in. I don’t support that, why would I want to be in that industry? I’m not slagging off every man who decides to do this, but stepping back and being critical, it’s not something I could honestly ever see myself doing. Stepping back, I find gay men primping women for heterosexual consumption to be just a tad bit more than creepy.


One has to also recognize the part fashion plays in rape culture and the subordination of women. In a world where the rape of women is an pandemic, why do we celebrate fashion and what all of that entails? When we are designing clothing that is, essentially, easy access clothing, what are we saying and what are we complicit in? Women are raped and here we are designing skirts for them. Skirts. This isn’t “blame it on what’s being worn” by the way. Not at all. women should be able to wear what they want, and despite that not be bothered.  I doubt a man who is intent on raping a woman cares if she is in jeans, a burka, or nothing at all. Rape isn’t about what is being worn, and I want to make clear that’s not what I’m saying. It is however, a critique of rape culture’s trends. Similarly the way the fashion industry dictates what is a desirable body type needs to be examined. In a rape culture, where women are targeted and often assaulted and raped- why are we so loudly promoting that women  be emaciated and men be hulking? I have always found this to be very troublesome.

Speaking of gay entitlement on a more personal level, I’ve often seen my gay friends take liberty in dealing with boundaries. What is it with gay men thinking they have some sort of right to touch women’s bodies? The  Cupping of breast,  the smacking of  derriere’s etc. It’s activity that would not be tolerated for straight men, what gives gay men the pass? The answer is nothing. There is no reason for that kind of behavior period. So my call for both myself, and other like minded gay men is to try to make these conversations that we need to be having louder. If you see your gay friend drunkingly feeling up a woman…pull him aside and ask him what he thinks he is doing. When you hear certain language, make a point to have a conversation about it. There are so many things we could do better collectively.  There will be a few other post on this topic as time goes on.


Will we be more vocal as gay men if Trans men start demanding we sleep with them?

My earlier post asking other gay men to really take up the issue of our lesbian sisters being called “bigots” by trans women(M2T) for not sexually or romantically engaging with them. Step back and look closer: Heterosexual Males ganging up on lesbian women for not sleeping with them. Males who hold an ideology that their power of “identity” can transcend most physical realities, and as such they are as much a valid lesbian as a born female lesbian, and if this falls into question with a female born lesbian she is a transphobic bigot.

Quite a few people have made mention of my focus seemingly solely on trans women. Because of this they like to call me a “transmisogynist” in lieu of just plain ole “transphobic”. Don’t worry though, I get that too. The focus on trans women over trans men(F2T) is due primarily for two reasons. The first being that trans women are by far the more aggressive people in these two categories reguarlly attacking and slandering women, specifically lesbians, in a constant manner. Get online, see what’s happening.
Because They are serving as the aggressors in this situation by imposing on women who wish to be left alone and are entitled to their views, they by far have the most visibility.  The second reason is I don’t particularly feel it appropriate to have many of the conversations I would have with a Trans woman with a Trans man, who would be better suited to speak to females, and be called out by females and not by a male. The only time I would feel it appropriate to have that conversation with a trans man would be if this trans man was claiming a gay male identity, and like what transwomen are doing, go on a rampage against gay men who understand what homosexual means.

So, lets have this hypothetical conversation to help put things in perspective for gay men who are setting on the fence about this issue.  I feel like many of us are skeptical to actually dive into the issue, full throttle, both feet in, because we have pity for Trans women. We can, in part relate to their struggle, but we are judging them by their perceived shared oppression and not by their content or their narrative. We are not addressing the trans/queer ideology that the community is bathing in, and how deeply homophobic this is.  So the hypothetical is this: Gay males are bombarded by trans men activist who are trying to both wedge their way into gay spaces and culture, and who are ready to shame and demand on the topic of linking up romantically or sexually with bio gay men if those men stand their ground that the word “homosexual” actually means something. Once more with feeling: HomoSEXual.  Your “gender expression” means nothing to us. We are HomoSEXuals not HomoGENDERuals.


So, lets say this is actually happening to gay men. That every time we log on to our social media accounts we are accosted with insults “Prick, bigot, Cis, transphobe, fetishist” etc. Because we have made it public that we are homosexual and we know that word has meaning. Would big gay organizations take notice then? Or go along with the trans narrative and then we could be dubbed some weird acronym male equivalent of “TERF”. I doubt we would be going along with heterosexual women claiming to be gay guys demanding we sleep with them to affirm them as male. Now I say this is all hypothetical, It’s not, it’s quickly becoming a reality and these conversations are growing in the queer community about how horrible homosexuals are. All of us, but with the most intense focus being on lesbians. Soon I’m predicting we will see more of a push from the trans community against the gay male segment of the population with the progression of this becoming accepted in community circles. And how self serving will the outcry be then? Lesbians are homosexuals, they have my support and they should have yours. Any self respecting gay man would support a lesbians right to be a homosexual without shame.

There will be some men in the gay community who will side with the trans ideology, as there are some women in the lesbian community that do as well. This is unfortunate because it seemingly validates what is happening in the minds of some people. I am totally prepared and willing to play the true scotsman game here. No TRUE homosexual man will be romantic or sleep with a trans man because what he would be doing by doing that is engaging in a heterosexual activity, being intimate with a biological female. This is not the definition of homosexual.  Words have meanings, homosexual is one of those words. I know what it means , and so do many of us gay men and lesbians out there. We know what we are, we are homosexuals. we know what they are not, and they are not us.
Heterosexual trans appropriation of our history and future is very much a threat.

Male “gender expression”.

Gender is not an identity. As such I feel no need in attaching a label to myself to somehow clarify to people what my “gender expression” may look like. This includes a label like “non-binary” or “genderqueer”.  Assigning labels to how we express ourselves as individuals is not a helpful practice. To even say “non-binary” is to suggest the binary as valid. Dissolution while naming ourselves according to, is a contradiction.

I think gender is one of the, if not the most harmful parts of patriarchy, because it’s what sets forth the mold, it’s the belt on the cycle. Our insistence at molding young minds into “men” and “women” as roles in society is a form of child abuse. It’s stifling to the girl, limiting her options and soaking her in subservience  , and boys are taught to be emotionally repressed (except for acceptable “manly” anger.), while ingrained with a socialization that  sets them up to be monsters. It’s an unfortunate set up, but lets make no mistake as framing men as THE victims in the gender game. We are, after all, the violent enforcers of it all, our individual complicity may vary. So, really, I can understand how insulting it must be to women to hear a man go on about his feelings and his oppression due to gender. I think we can share stories, I think as individuals we must but our stories but ours should not be the one’s being maximized, while women’s are minimized on the topic of one of the most prevalent forms of oppression they face. Women’s voices are the voices we need to hear on this topic, not men celebratory of their gender expression, applying labels that serve to blur the line between sex. If we erase men who is oppressing women? If we erase women who is being oppressed? – this would seem great if it would actually work out that way, but it doesn’t.  It dissolves nothing, it only covers things up. We can’t afford to sweep history and reality under the rug because it makes us feel better.
I want to see male socialization addressed on a large platform, in our school systems, in our politics and in our own personal conversations. Male socialization is male gender. A large component to that is male violence. If we want to solve the issue of male violence, male socialization (thus male gender) must be addressed. This is, what I feel, to be a productive way men can talk about gender in application to ourselves. I literally cringe when I visit a friends or acquaintance house to see all the male children enthralled in violent video games, cheering on each other killing characters and trying to kill characters themselves. Sure it’s “just a game” But it’s a game that we must observe as desensitizing people who are already set up to be prone to it.  The same must be applied to what is being said in the lyrics to music, and what is being watched in films and or television and of course pornography. All of this simulated violence and sexual entitlement is prepackaged for male consumption. The same critical thought must be applied when we see “boys being boys” . Boys shouldn’t be “boys” they should be people, “boy” seems to often get in the way of that. 

 Many people express disgust when men are not overtly masculine or assertive, and most of the time it’s other men expressing this. Why? Why is it offensive to men to have a heart? To express empathy and compassion? I have to refuse the argument(though I really don’t care to argue it.) I occasionally come upon that alludes to biological essentialism, but the be honest sometimes, just looking at the world and feeling such frustration, it does cause one to wonder. Men have been propagating this about ourselves forever. That we just “can’t help it.” because we are men. What the fuck is that shit? Because to me that sounds like you are saying men are not human. That we are somehow devoid of human emotion based on nothing but biology. When women make the argument how can I be offended when men make it about themselves and then go on to fulfill it in a self prophesied fashion? 
It’s something I don’t want to believe, and it’s something we don’t have to believe in. But seriously please please please. Can we shape the fuck up?  Lets work on male gender expression, lets talk about it, but this is the way we need to do it.